Conflicts happen wherever we go. Conflicts happen at work with coworkers and bosses. Conflicts happen at home with our spouses, girlfriends/boyfriends, sons/daughters, and neighbors. Conflicts
happen when we are out on the streets doing our daily errands, such as
when encountering a rude person at the grocery line, or a pushy guy at
the local bar. To avoid conflict is simply impossible because we would literally have to lock ourselves in a box. Instead, we must learn the valuable skill of negotiating conflicts in a peaceful and productive way. In my book, Street Negotiation: How to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime,
I reduce the process of conflict negotiation down into six basic steps
that anyone can use to defuse anger and hostility and reach cooperative
agreements. Street Negotiation was born from my experience as a patrol officer, working the tough streets of Southern California
and learning the negotiation tactics from not only other law
enforcement officers, but also the best manipulators, con-artists, and
violent individuals out there. I’ve convienently made an acronym out of those six steps: P.E.R.P.O.S.
Step 1: Plan B
Before
you engage in any type of conflict or negotiation, you always want to
have a back up plan, or what I call a “plan B” ready to put into
action. Your plan B is the best possible outcome you can get for
yourself without having to deal with the person at all. So
if I were to ask my boss for a raise because I need more money to
support my growing family, my plan B—should my boss refuse to negotiate
with me, is to have another job offer already in hand. Having
a plan B boosts your “acquired” negotiating power and equalizes the
power field, especially when your opponent has more “positional” power
than you do, such as in the case of your boss in this example. A
police crisis negotiator may not always be able to “talk down” a
hostage-taker, but their ability to confidently negotiate with that
hostage-taker is grounded in their plan B of having the tactical team
on standby, ready to go full-breach and restore the situation. Your
plan B is your main source of power in any negotiation you go into, so
try to develop it as fully as you can prior to engagement.
Step 2: Emotional Control
Emotions, especially anger, cause reactions rather than logical responses to occur. Reactions
are detrimental to any type of conflict resolution process because
reactions are impulsive rather than rational in nature. Reactions
are what our emotional mind believes is the right choice to distance
ourselves from emotional pain, but these reactions cause an escalation
in conflict as a result. A good example of a reaction is yelling or arguing with someone who doesn’t see something our way. In this example, we are allowing our emotional need to be heard and acknowledged to get in the way of our objective. Just remember the golden rule of conflict resolution: If you react out of emotion, then you automatically lose.
Step 3: Reduce Their Tension
Now that you have your own emotions under control, now is the time to address the other side’s feelings and emotions. Remember that feelings need to be stabilized before the problem can even be addressed. Also remember that what you are feeling may not be what the other person is feeling. You
may think that the situation is a simple misunderstanding, but the
other person might think you are attacking them personally. Stabilize
those feelings by actively listening to them without judging or taking
offense at what they have to say, acknowledging their points, and
empathizing with them.
Step 4: Persuade
After stabilizing the feelings and emotions involved, you now can direct your attention at meeting their needs with your own. The true essence of persuasion is reframing their demands into what they actually need. Positions are the demands, wants, and unreasonable requests that the other side makes. There
is only one way to satisfy their position that they initially take, but
there are many creative ways to satisfy their actual needs and
interests. Their needs lie underneath their demands and it’s your job to start digging to uncover these needs. The
ability to persuade is the ability to uncover their needs with
question-asking and finding compatible interests that you both share. For example, John might reject my idea on a company project and insist on his own way by shooting down my idea. While his position is “his way” versus “my way,” our interests are the same—completing the project in the best way possible. Therefore
my ability to persuade John is by not focusing on who’s method is the
right one, but instead, focusing on our shared interest in getting the
project done right. Objective criteria can be used as a fair standard to determine a fair direction to follow. Objective criteria involves a set benchmark or past decision to align your decision-making upon. An example of an objective criteria is looking up the fair market price when selling your used car. It provides you with a reference point to base your negotiation.
Step 5: Options
It’s a fundamental human need for autonomy in life—to exercise the freedom of independence and choice. Therefore,
by “expanding the pie” by creating mutually-satisfying options that
work for both of you, you can create a win-win atmosphere by providing
more choices to choose from beside the obvious demands initially stated. Instead of forcing your views on the other person, create as many workable options as possible for the other side to consider. Brainstorm on possible options together so that both of you have equal say in the final solution.
Step 6: Solutions
After
giving your partner as many options that work for both of you as
possible, allow them the freedom to choose which option they want to
convert into a solution and put into action. By guiding rather than forcing, you can lead them in towards a cooperative outcome. But lets say, they are still uncooperative and things are not looking fruitful for you. Then your solution is to slowly introduce that plan B that you have in your pocket as an alternative to the negotiation. Often times, having this plan B will be enough to bring your partner back to the negotiating table. Whenever
you feel that what you can get from the other side is LESS than what
your plan B is, then your solution is to terminate negotiations and
implement that plan B.
Key Points
P = Plan B—Have a back-up plan ready before engaging the conflict.
E = Emotional Control—If you react, then you automatically lose the game.
R = Reduce Tension—Stabilize the feelings involved before engaging the problem.
P = Persuade—Dig underneath their demands to uncover their needs and interests.
O = Options—Cooperatively create many options that satisfy both your needs.
S = Solutions—Let them choose a solution, or revert back to your plan B.
